Top 10 Moments in Gunderson Cycling History

Admittedly these are probably biased, so remind me if I left something off.

10. Esquelito's Surprise Sprint

The skinny dude pulled a Cancellara (or a Rasmussen?) and held off a K-Dog-Mr. Fabulous chase.

9. Skillz's C-Trail Stitches

An angry crank inflicts max damage on Jarom's calf and the Captain reminds the doctor not to cut the new tube that served as a bandage.

8. The Gentlemen's Ride

Crying is expected. Cursing is forgiven.

7. K-dog's Crash at Cheerful

Also included an epic caber toss competition.

6. LOTOJA Blizzard (2005)

K-Dog and Captain channelled their inner Shackletons.

5. Prison Loop Painted Road

Allegations of Esquelito's doping program painted onto the Bluffdale sprint almost allows the Captain to grab sneaky win.

4. Pizza on Panther Gap

Nothing gets under Esquelito's skin like slacking up a 10 mile climb.

3. LOTOJA Legends (2006)

All four ride the whole ride together. This has never occurred again.

2. MOOTS!!

MOOTS!!

1. The Sugar Donut (MS 2006)

Often imitated. Never replicated. You have no choice when someone bonks at mile 16.

The Next Generation

"In twelve years he'll be eleven and a half....."

GCN- September 2009

GCN

September, 2009 Edition 1

Not So Fabulous

Sandy-The reigning Sandy hill climb champ, Mr. Fabulous, received a heaping piece of humble pie recently when he was decimated in a hill sprint by the Salt Sea Pirate recent addition, Anna Off the Grid. It was the first loss by Mr. Fabulous in several months and the first big victory for of Anna Off the Grid. The win was not without controversy however, as Anna was accused of ungentlemanly riding by the Fab Man.

When confronted by this accusation, Anna responded, “Ungentlemanly?!?! You better believe I rode ungentlemanly! And I won! I’ll win again too, because when it comes down to it, I got what it takes to win. I don’t care if I have to cut his cables or zap his brains with WiFi. I will destroy all who dare challenge my superiority!!”

Teach a Man to Fish...

Lancaster County- Several Pirates gathered recently to ride the inaugural One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish Race of Celebratory Praise. The race was also sponsored by the Steve Zissou society. The race action was hot and heavy with climbing, sprint, and style points up for grabs. Esquelito, as usual, swept the climbing classification despite the presence of the Captain, who has spent the past 22 years at a high altitude training camp. The day’s final sprint came down to a two-up dash between K-Dog and a much improved Esquelito. Surprisingly, Esquelito came up with a rare sprint victory.

K-Dog later cautioned that one should not draw large conclusions from the results. “There were two factors involved” Kellen commented about the loss, “First of all, I was still recovering the crash I was involved in two weeks after the race and well.... I don’t want to say I let him win, but... lets just say Esquelito doesn’t get a chance to win many sprints and I didn’t want to ruinthe Fish Dudes birthday.”

The style classification was won resoundingly by Eugie, who created an incredible Steve Zissou cake complete with shoes (that they don’t make anymore) and a hip glock that everyone had to share.

Skipper Receives LOTOJA Lifetime Achievement Award

Jackson- After completing his 5th LOTOJA with the 6th Gunderson brother, Cosmo (until the Speedy issue is resolved), the Captain received some weird plaque made of a chain ring. Honored to received such an award, the Captain commented, “Gunga galunga.”

Nickname committee to hear oral arguments in landmark “Speedy” case

Bethlehem- The official nickname committee of the Salt Sea Pirates agreed to hear oral arguments in the landmark case: Esquelito vs. Salt Sea Pirates, otherwise known as the Speedy case. The Salt Sea Pirates have accused Esquelito of attempting to pilfer the nickname Speedy from its rightful owner. The case will be heard September 24th by K-Dog, who is the supreme commander for life of the nickname committee.

Ask Style Mom

Dear Style Mom-

I am a racer who has been serving a two year suspension for doping and academic related reasons and during my suspension I, well...... lets just say I lost some of my top end fitness. How can I get back into race shape quickly and avoid the shame heaped upon me by the other racers?

Sincerely,

Amply Proportioned in Argentina

Dear Amply,

You are not fat, I don’t care what your brothers or the scale says. Don’t let them tease you, you look fine. Now, give me your baked potato, I’ll cut it for you.

The Return

75 days until the Sugar's triumphant return!

The Gentleman's Ride from a Ladies View

Okay I just finished the Gentleman's ride, and it kicked my trash!!! Serious trash was kicked...I don't even know how to describe today's events...Woke up way too early, gather as a group...then start out and ride Millcreek Canyon...I was really focusing on being constant and steady today, you know I had a long ride and I wanted to make sure I had enough energy to finish the ride. Millcreek was good, pretty uneventful...the decent down Millcreek was great tho, even tho our friend Brian almost crashed when his pedal slipped. After easy Millcreek we head over to Big Cottonwood, Big Cottonwood is about 14 Miles long. It only has a few steep sections, then the rest is a slight uphill...but don't think it's a cake walk...I did it, and there was no cake at the top...however there were Redvines and turkey sandwiches, so it wasn't a complete waste. Seth and I rode down to the bottom together. It was fun to ride with him...we had a fast tailwind pushing us down the canyon...we were going the speed limit which is really nice because I take the whole lane when I go the speed limit...no need for cars to pass me. Two canyons down one more to go...to tell you the truth I didn't feel that terrible...I was feeling pretty good...then...duhn duhn duh....we climb to the entrance of Little Cottonwood...now let me fill you in on the spec of Little Cottonwood. It is 8 miles long, totally exposed - no shade on the road, the average grade was 8%, and it never flattens out...it is a mean canyon...even with fresh legs, it's mean. So now I begin my journey to find inner strength...quitting is not an option. Even at the entrance of the canyon I am barely turning the cranks over...I had to create head games to stay on my bike...I was going sooo slow that flys started to gather over my decomposing body and vultures were circling above me waiting patiently for me to die. At one point I pulled my bike off the road dunked my helmet in the creek...but that wasn't good enough, so I dunked my head and face in the creek...repeatedly... Then I don't remember much after that because I quickly had to go to a very dark place where I couldn't feel the pain...it was a lonely place...even lonelier when I saw all the other riders head down the canyon and knowing I still had an entire mile to go...a mile doesn't seem like much but at the end of this ride a mile took an eternity to finish. It was brutal! B-R-U-T-A-L-!-!-!- At one point I thought about crying...but realized I couldn't afford the tears since I was out of water. I was forced to pedal one stroke at a time...which is usually the case but most of the time each pedal stroke doesn't try to be the one that kills you. I can describe how demoralizing that last mile was, or I can talk about how exhausted I was, I can even talk about how I am more committed to losing the baby fat I put on...but I won't because there will be too much pain in my words and this post would lose all humor...so I will quickly jump to the end...I got to the top and quietly put my jacket on because it was raining rather hard and got out of that canyon and cranked it all the way home...because I had a BBQ waiting for me. At the end of the ride we had an AMAZING BBQ with all sorts of smoked meats, perfect guacamole - all you could eat, the most prefect fruit salad ever, baked beans, and to top it off Raspberry tart, and lemon ice. Life is definitely delicious.

Overall - I did it, and hopefully I will never have to do it again...but you guys know as well as I do, that I will do it again, and complain about it just as much.

Strong SSP showing in Tooele

Despite the threat of rain most of the day and El Dentista deciding to be ashamed of his Pirate roots, Esqueleto and Dentista both had a great day of racing on Saturday at the Tour of the Depot stage race.
Racing on Saturday included a 9 mile ITT up a short and gradual climb and ending with a fast downhill finish. Dentista showed suprising form and rode a strong TT despite being sidelined for the past month or so with so-called hip tendonitis (if there is such a thing....). Riding in the Cat 5 group for the 5 mile, 4 lap circuit race he was in the mix the whole race only to barely not make the defining move on the last lap. He finished a strong circuit race just behind the breakaway.

Esqueleto rode a good ITT finishing 17th out of the 40 or so cat 4 racers. The cat 4 racers did 5 laps on the fast and furious 5 mile circuit. The climb on the backside of the circuit was 1.7 miles in length and was only 2.3% grade allowing for a big ring climb, meaning it was fast and hard to get away. Esqueleto keep animating the race on the climbing section and really pushed the pace each lap hoping to tire out some legs and get a break going. Nothing really stuck and on the last of 5 laps he hit the "steeper" part of the "climb" hard and drilled it. Even he wasn't able to get away for the downhill run to the finish it put him in good position for the sprint. Despite being slowed down going into the last corner he was able to sprint it out and ended up 7th in the circuit race.

It was a good day of racing and once again the SSPs were able to make the race a little more lively.

Full Results

Salt Sea Pirates' Bloody Domination in Vegas!

Check out D'nacious' race report from Sin City: "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas!"

... so that's how the saying goes, but this story is too good to not tell! This weekend, D~Nacious and J headed down to Vegas for D to participate in the Showdown at Sundown Triathlon at Lake Las Vegas. Nerves were high, It'd been almost 2 years since D's last Tri, and especially since J retired from Tris claiming, "running is for people without bikes!" (Well said Docta Jay!) the pressure was on! At packet pickup, things were looking up! The fellow that handed D her packet said, "you're tough, one of the few women to register for the Olympic distance." oooh, with such a small field of women, podium images danced in her head! The swim was perfect, until D pinched her finger in a faulty dock ladder exiting the swim (Sabotage!). Adrenaline erased any pain, and high fives from the crowd with a pinched finger, didn't even phase her!


At T1 stripping off the wetsuit, D noticed blood everywhere! Where was it coming from?! OH NO! It was that pinched finger! Hemorrhaging, D yelled for a bandaid, tourniquet, an extra small SSP arm warmer, anything! But no first aid could be found! (Good thing DOCTOR Jay was there....worthless degree....) D's take; "I decided to quit wasting time looking and get on the bike and go, I left a trail of blood heading out of T1! While on the bike trying to get my mental game back, I finally thought, if I held on tight enough to the handle bars the pressure would hopefully get it to stop! Fortunately, the bleeding stopped by the time I had to start the run. I finished the race, got my medal, a 3rd place age group plaque/podium/picture, and off to a Vegas ER for LUCKY 7 stitches! Now off to the bike ER for some new bar tape!"

(Get white bar tape, cause next time this happens the sight of blood soaked white handle bar tape will drive fear into the weak hearts of your fellow triathletes...)

The Salt Sea Pirates are collectively a little disappointed our Pirateyness wasn't represented on the podium...


I'm glad D'nacious could christen her new carbon sweetness and lay blood claim to the Zipps. If Jay would have bled on them first they could have been his.....